Let's Talk About Your Big But...

From Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (Warner Bros. 1985):

Simone:    I know you're right, Pee-wee, but...

Pee-wee:  Everyone I know has a big "but...” C'mon, Simone, let's talk about your big "but…"

My December 31, 2007, blog entry was called What Do You Listen For? I wrote that if you listen for errors and offense, you will find them, but if you listen for truth and meaning, you will find them instead.

How can you tell when someone is not listening for truth and meaning?  One sign is the word, “but,” which suggests one has listened only for something to contradict. The Entrepreneurial Investor co-author Dean Zatkowsky calls the expression “yeah, but…” a “reflexive rebuttal,” a knee-jerk need to trump another’s point with one of your own.

We should revise the expression, “No ifs, ands, or buts.” There’s nothing wrong with “ifs” and “ands.”  Ifs are dreams. Ands are inclusive. But buts?  Get your but out of here. “But” is too often a weasel word, an introduction to excuses or a plea for escape. People say “but” on the way to saying “no.” Like Pee Wee suggested, we weigh down our ideas with our big buts.

Before you reflexively counter someone’s statement, including your own, find something within it to affirm. See if you can get through your next business debate – or dinner conversation or daydream – without falling back on your big “but.”

Website Alert: To listen well we must care about what’s important to other people. An amusing and educational website called “Everyday’s a Holiday” reminds us that right now, people in different parts of the world are celebrating or memorializing something they consider important. Some may seem kooky, like International Sword Swallowers’ Day, but others, like Taiwan’s Peace Memorial Day, inform and inspire. All of the holidays, however obscure, expand our compassion and empathy, making us better listeners.